I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
