Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
