just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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