I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
