The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
