Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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