Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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