Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
