my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
are you so shy because you have an std?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
