I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
