so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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