i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
