then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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