I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
