I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
