I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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