I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
They are going to name an STD after you.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
