I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
