How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
