your room smells of hookers.
And success
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
