This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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