i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
