Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
