at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
