I puked a lego.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
