can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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