we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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