I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
