Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
