I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
