glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
