Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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