he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
