so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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