Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
