how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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