I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just invented taco cereal.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
