I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
