It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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