Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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