why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
