the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
