you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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