If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
