So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
