it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
