she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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