I think I am morally bankrupt
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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