imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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