I accidentally had phone sex last night
I need to stop coming to work sober
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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