I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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